


i’m afraid of most things, but most of all i’m absolutely terrified to lose you

by foreverobessed



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anakin Skywalker Angst, Anakin Skywalker Gets a Hug, Anakin Skywalker Has Issues, Anakin Skywalker Needs a Hug, Anakin Skywalker Whump, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cliffhanger, Could be OOC, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cunnilingus, Dancing, Eating Disorders, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fix-It, Hallucinations, Heavy Angst, Intimacy, Mortis (Star Wars), Not Canon Compliant, Oral Sex, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Platonic Relationships, Post-Episode: s03e17 Ghosts of Mortis, Self Harm, Smut, Some Fluff, Suicidal Thoughts, THE SEX SCEBE IS VERY MINOR, The sex scene isn’t that long doe, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Whump, messed with the timeline, minor fluff, minor sex scene, ngl all the cuddling is for like a split second, the formatting is FUCKED, tw, you could call this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:40:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25772992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foreverobessed/pseuds/foreverobessed
Summary: Anakin remembers MortisORAnakin remembers his future and it starts to haunt him.
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker & Ahsoka Tano, Anakin Skywalker/Padme Amidala, Luke Skywalker & Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker & Ahsoka Tano
Comments: 24
Kudos: 183





	i’m afraid of most things, but most of all i’m absolutely terrified to lose you

**Author's Note:**

> NGL what inspired this was that scene in avatar where it was Azula slowly loosing her mind when she’s talking to her mother in the mirror. This also probably has lots of plot holes so sorry. The Rise Of Clovis ep which we see the aftermath of it is in the beginning of s6 but I decided to make it before Ahsoka leaves the Jedi Order bc I said so :)) so the timeline is kinda fucked but just remember that I messed with that.
> 
> ALSO TW FOR SELF HARM, EATING DISORDERS, AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

For some reason the Father couldn’t remove his memories on Mortis, not completely anyway. He helped Anakin come to reason though, and when him and The Son were dead Anakin was grateful to leave the godforsaken planet. He stood on the bridge of the _Resolute._

“I’m glad to be finally off that planet.” Ahsoka said, with her arms crossed. 

“As am I.” Obi-Wan agreed, he gave Anakin a look. “Do you remember anything Anakin?” His voice was tilted with a bit of fear in it. 

Anakin remembered _everything._ He remembered transferring The Daughter’s life form to Ahsoka, he remembered the look on Padmé’s face as he cut off her airways, he remembers the look on Ahsoka’s face as she says, “I’m sorry Master, but I’m not coming back,” and he remembers Obi-Wan’s voice full of anguish and pain as he tells Anakin’s mutilated form, “You were my brother, Anakin! I loved you.” 

Anakin looks up from where he’s staring at the floor of the ship and looks into Ahsoka and Obi-Wan’s worried and weary expressions. “Not really, it’s a bit hazy. What did I do?”

Obi-Wan gave him a relieved smile, “The Son messed with your mind a bit, I’m sure you’ll be fine.” 

Ahsoka nodded, and Anakin swallowed back bile, “I’m sure I will be.”

-

Ahsoka and Anakin stood before the Council, recapping Mortis. Obi-Wan sat with one leg draped over the other, setting his calculated gaze on Anakin. _Please don’t let them see through me.. I have to prevent this future.. but I don’t know if I can._

“So, you remember nothing, Knight Skywalker?” Mace Windu asked, a look in his eye that Anakin couldn’t pinpoint. The look of Master Windu’s face as Anakin cleanly cut off his arm flashed before his eyes. The Sith Lord, Darth Sidious, was Chancellor Palpatine. How could he have been so naive? He had practically been grooming Anakin since he stepped foot on Coruscant. 

He didn’t have any proof though and no one would believe him. It would be so easy to just tell them that he saw the future.. but what would they do to him if they saw that Anakin became Darth Vader? The Emperor’s lap dog, more machine than man. He couldn’t let them know what he would do. The Council Members all were staring at him, Obi-Wan staring at him with those eyes of his. He could feel Ahsoka staring at him. 

“No.” Anakin said quietly, then more loudly, “Nothing. I don’t remember anything up till the Son turned me and the Father helped me out of it.”

The Council Members nodded with disappointed looks on their faces. Anakin slowly let out a breath he wasn’t aware he was holding. He had to get rid of Palpatine, but first he needed proof. 

-

Ahsoka’s longer lightsaber meeting Anakin’s. Ahsoka tried getting under Anakin’s guard using her shorter lightsaber,but Anakin met the blow with his blue saber, he noticed Ahsoka was leaving her side open and he kicked her in it, sending her off balance. He put his saber to her throat, “Yield?”

She nodded and he pulled his saber away, deactivating it. He grabbed a small washcloth sitting on the bench in the hangar of the Resolute. He patted down the sweat on his neck, and closed his eyes. The image of an older Ahsoka with white lightsabers saying to him, “I won’t leave you! Not this time,” was burned into his memory. 

“You seem different.” Ahsoka commented, taking a swig of her water. 

“What do you mean?” Anakin asked, dread crawling up him. They couldn’t know about Mortis and about how he remembers _everything._ He knew about when he turned dark side, he knows how Padmé’s throat feels crushed under his grip, he knows the feeling of getting his legs and armed chopped off, he knows the feeling of being stuck in that _suit,_ he knows what it’s like to finally take off his helmet and see the blue eyes of his son. Eyes that looked so much like Padmé’s. 

“I don’t know.. sense Mortis you just seem to be worried about something.” Ahsoka paused for a moment, “Is there anything you wanna talk about? Have you started to remember?-“

“I remember nothing, alright?” Anakin snapped, bitterness in his tone. He ignores the memory of Ahsoka turning her back on him, leaving him. _You’re pushing her away. No wonder she leaves, she has a terrible Master, whose selfish, and a monster._

_“I believed in you! I stood by you.”_

_“But this isn’t about you.”_

Anakin ignored the sting of the words as the silence between them was deafening and he looked at his feet, refusing to look at Ahsoka. “Alright.” Ahsoka said softly, he could hear her slowly leave the hangar. 

_Kriff. I really do mess everything up._

He sat in the hangar for thirty minutes, tinkering with an old ship’s engine before he saw something out of the corner of his eye. He saw Ahsoka’s montrals and he let out a sigh of relief. 

“I-I’m sorry, Ahsoka..” Anakin said in a soft tone before standing up and turning to her, but it didn’t seem like Ahsoka. She didn’t have the usual spark in her eyes as Ahsoka did, and she seemed older. She seemed like the Ahsoka that wielded matching white sabers. 

_“I thought I knew who you were under that mask.. but it’s impossible! My Master could never be as vile as you.”_

The older Ahsoka stalked over to him and his throat felt dry. 

_I’ve officially lost it.. I’m going crazy._

“Look what you’ve already done.” Not-Ahsoka said, and he blinked at her in confusion. He gripped the vicroblade in his grasp, feeling frozen to the spot. “You’re already driving me away, _Skyguy.”_ The name sounded bitter dripping from her mouth. “You could’ve done more! Why do you think I left? No, it wasn’t just because of the Council. You’re not even Vader yet and you’re.. becoming him.” She circled around Anakin, similar to how predators circled their prey. “You’re becoming angrier, more violent. You’re lashing out.” It was true, ever since Mortis there was this just _rage_. He shoved it away and ignored the feeling of loneliness, sadness. He was going to do such terrible things.. and he didn’t even know if he could stop it. 

“You can’t stop it.” Ahsoka said, her fingers ghosting over his broad shoulders. “Just accept it. You’re a monster, a _Sith._ You’re going to fall and then betray and hurt everyone around you.. and the sad part is not even Sidious is to blame. It’s all _you.”_

“N-No.” Anakin said his voice cracking, he closed his eyes and ignored the rush of emotions. His flesh hand was clenched into a fist. “That’s not gonna happen.”

“But it is.” Older Ahsoka said, he refused to open his eyes but he knew that she stood right in front of him looking at his closed eyelids. “You’re going to drive me away, everything that's going to and will happen is going to be on your shoulders.”

Anakin opened his eyes and the older Ahsoka, the not real Ahsoka, with the two white lightsabers were gone. 

Anakin ignored the onrush of emotions that surged through him _guilt_ (for what he will eventually do), _anger_ (for his future self), _sadness, regret, doubt, confusion-_

Anakin closed his eyes and ignored the onslaught of emotions, releasing them into the Force was too risky. Anakin walked back to his room and ignored the fact that he was _hallucinating._

-

Anakin let out a big breath as he knocked on Padmé’s apartment door. He just had to see her. He had missed her so much. 

The door opened and he saw Padmé’s bleary eyes take him in. She had a silk robe on and she looked at him in confusion, “Anakin.. it’s one in the morning.” 

“I know..” He said slowly. He actually didn’t know, he had just got done with a campaign in the Outer Rim and just rushed over to Padmé’s. Padmé’s Captain looked at him in amusement as he buzzed to be let up. “Maybe I should go..”

“No!” Padmé said, grabbing his wrist and pulling him in. “It’s fine you just usually don’t come this early.”

Anakin let her drag him to her room. She sat laid on the bed as Anakin untied his boots and took off his tunic, robes, tabards, and undershirt. He was left with just his pants on, he grabbed one of the robes he left at Padmé’s and put it on. He was still cold on Coruscant, despite leaving Tatooine over ten years ago. He shuffled under the covers and turned on his side so he could face Padmé.

“You Jedi and your many layers.” Padmé mused quietly, putting her hand on his back to slowly rub his back. “What’s wrong?”

_So much. I’m going to kill you. I’m going to choke you and you’re going to die in childbirth. It’s going to be all my fault, I’m going to turn into a monster._

“Nothing.” Anakin said quietly, tugging up the blankets to cover him more. He scooted closer to Padmé, draping his arm around her waist. She put her head on his chest. “It’s nothing, I just missed you.”

Padmé pulled away and gave him a suspicious look, but dropped it. She laid her head against his bare, tanned chest and kissed his collarbone. “Ok, Ani.”

Anakin let all the thoughts of Vader and the future escape him, and enjoyed the warmth and comfort of his wife. 

-

_“How could you?” Obi-Wan asked Anakin, walking off the ramp of the Naboo ship. They were on Mustafar but this wasn’t right. Where was Padmé? Obi-Wan had just walked off her ship._

_“What do you mean?” Anakin asked, watching Obi-Wan as he dropped his cloak off his shoulders._

_“Padmé’s dead, Anakin.” Obi-Wan said, anger clear in his eyes. “You killed her!”_

_“I couldn’t!” Anakin cried out, as Obi-Wan began to circle him like prey. “I love her!”_

_“Then why did you kill her?” Obi-Wan rebutted, still circling Anakin. Anakin felt cornered. “What did she do? She was carrying your children! You killed both of them, and injured Ahsoka when she got in the way! How could you do this to them?”_

_“I didn’t!” Anakin shouted at him, but did he really do it? He did have this.. darkness in him. It was evident, and clearer to him then it was before Mortis. He sometimes would look in the mirror and see the flash of golden red eyes on him, reminding him of what he’d become._

_“You don’t even know!” Obi-Wan yelled at him._

“Ani..?”

_“You can’t even remember what you’ve done!”_

“Anakin.. wake up!”

_“Are you really that far gone? That much of a monster_?”

_“Shut up!” Anakin snarled, without even knowing what he was doing he reached out and Obi-Wan was choking on air._

“Anakin!” A shrill, choked feminine voice called out.

Anakin’s eyes snapped open, it was a dream. It wasn’t even morning yet, his eyes flicked to the clock, _3:23._ He had barely even slept for two hours. He looked down and his flesh hand was wrapped around Padmé’s throat. Her eyes were wide and staring at his. Anakin leaped back from her, staring at his hands in disbelief.

_What have I done..?_

“Anakin, it’s okay!” Padmé said, her voice a little hoarse. “It was just a dream.”

“I-I.. hurt you.” Anakin stuttered out, putting his hands by his side. He couldn’t look at Padmé, he was a _monster,_ a _freak._ How could he have done that to her? His wife. 

Padmé got out of bed, and stood in front of him. “But I’m fine.” Anakin didn’t look up, just stared at the ground. “Really.” Padmé’s hands slowly went to cradle his jaw, forcing him to look up at him. There weren't any marks on her neck from him choking her. Why wasn’t she running from him? She should be running… he hurt her. Her thumbs brushed away tears falling from his blue eyes. “Here.” She dropped her hands from his face and held his hands in hers. 

She kept his flesh hand intertwined with one of hers, with the other hand she put a hand on the back of his neck and brought his mouth down to hers. It was chaste at first, until Anakin’s tongue slipped in her mouth. The kiss turned more passionate, more hungry. 

His lips left hers as he started kissing up the column of her neck, sucking beneath her ear. His hands went under her nightgown, his hands skimmed over the smooth, pale skin of her stomach. She moaned softly, as he nipped and licked her neck. He cupped her breasts and teased her nipples into hardness with his thumbs. 

_“Stop, now! Come back!”_

He felt tears prick his eyes and ignored the feeling, he helped Padmé out of her nightgown until all she was wearing was lacy underwear. Padmé grinned at him until she saw his eyes with unshed tears. She frowned in concern, cupping his cheek. “Ani? Honey?” Padmé asked, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing.” He said, taking her face in his hand and kissing her. He pulled back before kissing the slope of her nose, her forehead, her temple, and her cheek, just trailing kisses all over her face. “I’m fine.”

“Ani.. are you sure?” She put her head in the crook of his neck, biting softly at where neck met shoulder. The feeling made him take a sharp inhale. “I don’t want to push you into anything..”

“I’m fine, really Padmé.” He smiled as she bit a little harder down on his neck. He knew there were going to be marks in the morning. “I want to do this.”

She nodded, and he kneeled down and trailed kissed up her stomach, biting down just above her belly button. “Seriously, if you wanna stop at any time-“

“I will. Trust me.” He pulled back and smiled up at her as she intertwined her fingers into his dark golden curls. He got up abruptly and picked her up by her waist, her legs wrapping around his hips. He carried her to bed as he sucked a nipple into his mouth. His tongue teasingly flicked over her nipple and she let out a gasp. He put her down on the bed, while he lost his robe and sleep pants. 

Anakin laid in between Padmé’s legs as he trailed kisses and bites on the inside of her thighs. She put her fingers in his hair and yanked as she let out moans. He put his mouth on her lacy underwear and sucked over her cunt. He hooked his fingers in her underwear and slid them off. He shimmed out of his own as he put his mouth over her cunt. 

His tongue flicked in, making slow, lazy movements. She keened and yanked on his curls sharply. He slipped a finger in with his tongue, his tongue flicked softly over her clit and Padmé let out a loud moan, almost a shriek. He grinned against her heat as he slipped out his finger and sucked on her cunt. He let the Force caress over her body, stimulating her. She yanked on his hair harder and moaned loudly. He could feel her about to hit climax, and he pulled back teasingly. 

Anakin could feel her wetness on his face and chin, she let out a soft smile as she pulled him towards her and tasted herself on his tongue. She slowly started to stroke his cock into hardness, her thumb digging into his slit. He moaned into her mouth.

_“All I want is your love.”_

He ignored the tears that began to fall and pulled back, not wanting Padmé to see her crying. He sat in between Padmé’s leg and slicked himself up, not wanting to hurt her.

_“No!”_

_“You're with him!” Anakin could feel the anger surrounding him, choking him. “You’ve betrayed him! You brought him here to kill me!”_

_Padmé had a look of disbelief on her face.“No! Anakin I swear! I…”_

_He reached out with the Force, he could feel her windpipe crushing under his grip.._

Anakin pressed in and put his head in the crook of Padmé’s neck, ignoring the tears coming out of his eyes. He wanted to do this, he wanted to make love to Padmé, so why couldn’t he stop crying? He paced himself, going torturously slow and brushing over her clit. She wrapped her legs over his hips and it pushed him deeper inside of her, hitting her pleasure point dead on. She moaned loudly and dragged her nails over the muscles in his back. She was too caught up in her own pleasure to notice Anakin crying softly in her neck. He stifled his sobs and moans into his neck. Soon enough, she hit climax and came. He pulled out of her and stroked himself off, coming into his own hands. 

She grinned up at him, pulling him in by his neck and kissing him sweetly. She didn’t feel the tears on his face, nor see his red eyes. 

“I’m going to clean up, you should go to sleep.” He said, as he pulled away and kissed her temple. She nodded and kissed his swollen, pink lips. He stood up from the bed and walked to the fresher, closing the door behind him and flicking the lights on. He washed his hands and looked at himself in the mirror. He had a small bite mark on his neck, and his eyes were bloodshot from crying. Anakin couldn’t even have time to himself with his wife without screwing it up. Somehow, that thought brought him to tears once more and this time he couldn’t stop himself from crying. He stifled his sobs as Padmé slept soundly in the next room, having no idea that her husband was overwhelmed with emotions and sobbing.

-

Anakin blearily opened his eyes, it landed on Count Dooku. What had happened? He had confronted Dooku about what he wanted with Naboo.. and then he was overwhelmed. He saw something out of the corner of his eye, but he ignored it. Ever since the older Ahsoka appeared to him, people from his past, present would appear and just.. haunt him. There was an instance where in his room on his ship Padmé appeared to him and started whispering about how he’d kill her.. hurt her. Obi-Wan would sometimes appear to him on the battlefield while he was fighting back to back with the _real_ Obi-Wan. The fake Obi-Wan was old and weary, he had a sad look in his eyes. 

“Glad to see you’re awake.” Dooku spoke, in that crisp, posh accent of his. Anakin’s eyes darted from the Count to the figure he was imagining. He could tell it was a woman but she was sitting in the shadows of the room. 

“You’ll.. regret this. I’m going to be the one to kill you.” Anakin heaved out, tugging on the restraints that held his hands above his head. He realized he was cut off from the force, he mildly freaked out. Anakin calmed his breathing and closed his eyes, the image of him beating Dooku, Palpatine telling him to kill the Sith Lord. He had used the Count’s scarlet saber and his own azure one. He cut off his head cleanly. Anakin opened his eyes, looking to the figure in the corner then to Dooku. Dooku was staring at him curiously. He was closer than when Anakin had originally opened his eyes, his golden eyes fixed on Anakin. 

“You really believe that.” He said, sauntering closer to Anakin. His voice had a curious tilt to it. He grasped Anakin’s chin, his fingers digging into Anakin’s cheek. A little zap of electricity left Dooku’s fingers and stung Anakin. “Why is that?”

“It’s.. because you’re old.” Anakin managed to wheeze out, looking behind the ex Jedi to see it was his mom that walked out of the shadows, giving him a sad look. “You're an old man.”

The Count’s eyes narrowed and he tightened his hold on Anakin’s chin to look behind him and saw nothing. “What are you looking at?”

“Nothing.” Anakin snapped, but it was too slow. He hesitated. 

Dooku gave him a look, then grinned. “Has this the great Anakin Skywalker finally lost it?” His hand let go of Anakin’s chin, and slid to his temple. The Sith closed his eyes, and concentrated. He was going to look at Anakin’s mind- he couldn’t resist him- he had a _force suppressor on he was doomed-_

Images flashed before Anakin’s mind, Mortis, his mother’s death, the weird looks Obi-Wan and Ahsoka has been giving him, his mother staring at him right now- 

Anakin gasped as the Count reared back, laughing softly. “You’re _hallucinating._ The Hero With No Fear has gone mad.” Anakin didn’t know how Dooku didn’t see that he knew the future, didn’t know that Anakin knew what the smell of Dooku’s burnt skin smelt like as he put the sabers to his neck and crossed them- 

Dooku gave him a look before walking out of the cell, “I didn’t expect you to go crazy but.. I can’t say I’m not surprised. Let’s hope that doesn’t catch up to you. For yours and your friends’ sake.”

-

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Padmé asked Anakin, standing on the balcony of the Lake House.

Anakin was still shaken from Dooku rummaging through his head, but he couldn’t say that. “I’m fine.” He insisted, and Padmé’s lip quirked up in disbelief. “Just a little shaken, but I’m fine, Angel.” Anakin’s hands cupped her cheeks as he leaned down to kiss her temple. “I’m better now that I’m with you.”

Padmé’s arms wrapped around Anakin’s torso as he hugged her back, putting his head on top of hers. He took in a shaky breath, as he ignored the Obi-Wan staring at them. 

“Will you dance with me?” Padmé said, pulling away. She looked up into his eyes, her hands still pressed on the small of his back, “Like we did after the ceremony?” When Anakin didn’t say anything she looked up, almost sadly. “Please? Back then there was no war, no kidnapping, just us and our love.”

Anakin’s heart stung as he remembered the words Padmé spoke to him in the future, _“Hold me. Like you did by the lake on Naboo. So long ago when there was nothing but our love. No politics, no plotting, no war.”_

Anakin smiled lightly, he remembered after they got married he didn’t want to dance, but Padmé insisted. Anakin could feel the fake Obi-Wan staring holes through his head, “Ok, fine.”

Padmé gave him a smile as she wrapped her arms around his neck and they fell into a gentle sway. His hands were on her waist as they gently moved in sync, no fancy dances that you’d see in balls, just them two. She kept her eyes on his, and laughed when he accidentally stepped on her toes. 

“This can’t last, Anakin.” Obi-Wan said, Anakin ignored him and kept his eyes on Padmé as they moved together. “You know what you’re going to become, why postpone it?”

_“Obi-Wan was right… you have changed.”_

Anakin hummed a tune under his breath, ignoring Obi-Wan staring at him and the memories playing in his brain. 

Anakin twirled Padmé around, and she laughed as he pulled her closer to him. “I miss this.” She murmured, “I miss _us.”_

_“I don’t know you anymore.”_

“I miss us too.” He whispered, now one of their hands were laced together while Padmé’s other hand laid on the middle of his back, and his hand on her hip. She laid her head on his chest as they swayed softly. 

_“Stop, now! Come back! I love you!”_

“Padmé?” He said, she hummed a confirmation and looked up at him. They stilled as Anakin’s hand that was on her hip came to cup her cheek, his thumb brushing her cheekbone, she leaned into his touch. “You know that I love you, no matter what, right? No matter what happens… no matter what comes to light or what others might say I’ll _always_ love you, you know that, right?”

_“Let her go, Anakin!”_

“I know…” Padmé had a confused look on her face, “Ani, what’s wrong? Why are you telling me this?”

_“Anakin… you’re breaking my heart.”_

“You just need to know.” He insisted, his thumb still rubbing softly over her cheekbone. He was so much bigger than her, his hand was huge compared to her dainty ones. It frightened him before Mortis how much he could hurt her, after Mortis it terrified him. “No matter what, I’ll always love you.”

“I’ll always love you too, Anakin.” Padmé said, her eyes met his own and she gave him a smile. 

_The sound of Padmé choking echoed in his ears._

He gave her a sad smile, and leaned down so he could kiss her. She’d stop loving him when she knew what he would do.

-

Anakin bit back tears as he plopped down on his bed in the Temple. Obi-Wan was _dead_ and it was all his fault. Who knew Obi-Wan Kenobi, the _Negotiator,_ would die from Rako Hardeen. He sure as hell didn’t. He had seen Obi-Wan in the future.. the blue of his lightsaber as he cut Anakin down. The way he walked away from Anakin’s form as he burned alive. It didn’t make any sense. Yoda did always say the future was in motion.. he guesses it could’ve changed, but.. it didn’t make sense. 

He went to the bathroom connected to his room and splashed his face with cold water. He wanted to mess up Rako, feel his blood pour over his fingers- 

_Don’t. You can’t become Vader. You’ve seen what you will do, you’re a monster._

He ignored the thoughts and walked back to his bed planning to lie down but he saw something out of the corner of his eye. He turned and met the eyes of his Master. This Obi-Wan wasn’t the Old Obi-Wan who gave him sad glances, or the Padawan Obi-Wan who tells Anakin “I almost left the order for you, to train you to become a Knight! And now you’re a.. Sith.”, or General Kenobi who just seems so _tired,_ or Obi-Wan who will tell Anakin, “I have failed you, Anakin. I have failed you,” and, “You were my brother, Anakin! I loved you.” 

The memory makes Anakin dizzy, makes him feel guilty for what he will do. He can still see their blue lightsabers clashing, as Obi-Wan kept giving him room as Anakin tried to strike him down. He remembers the feeling of the Mustafar lava river catching flame to what is left of his tunic. He can still feel what it’s like to burn alive, to smell the twinge of his burning flesh, he watches Obi-Wan’s back as he screams out in pain, burning. No, this is Knight Obi-Wan, who's Anakin’s Master, with the longer hair and “then why don’t you listen to me?”, with such fondness and blind faith in his eyes for Anakin. 

“You look tired.” Obi-Wan commented, Anakin’s throat felt dry. _This isn’t real. This is my subconscious._ “I am sorry, Anakin.”

“What are you doing here?” Anakin asked bitterly, he laid down on his bed. His back facing his fake Master. 

“I.. I couldn’t leave you alone. Anakin, I care about you.” He felt a ghost of a hand on his shoulder, he could almost feel the bed dip under the ghost’s weight.

“ _Don’t_ pretend to care.” Anakin proclaimed, trying to ignore the ghost of Obi-Wan laying down behind him. “I know what you really think of me. You think I'm a monster. You hate me. You’re going to strike me down, and I’ll deserve it. I’ve done.. I will do terrible things.” Anakin ignored the way his throat was burning, the way his vision became blurry with tears. 

“ _No.”_ Obi-Wan said firmly, if he closed his eyes it almost felt like Obi-Wan was pressed up behind him. His chest to Anakin’s back, his arm draped around his waist. He could almost feel Obi-Wan’s nose pressed up against the back of his neck.“I love you, Ani.” 

_“I loved you!”_

The words ran through his brain. The childhood nickname sent shivers up his spine. Anakin hadn’t heard Obi-Wan say it since he was a young Padawan who couldn’t stop thinking about the mother he left in chains, “You’re the Chosen One, you can change your destiny.”

Anakin closed his eyes, _the Chosen One._ People excepted so much out of him just because of that stupid title. They excepted everything out of him yet nothing at the same time. He still remembers the other Padawan’s whispering behind his back about the slave boy was a Chosen One. How could he, a Skywalker, be anything other than a slave?

When Anakin opened his eyes and turned around there was nothing there, just himself alone in a dark room. 

-

Anakin walked Obi-Wan back to his quarters, he couldn’t quite part from him yet. The pain of his best friend, his _brother_ dying was still with him. He was mad at the Council from keeping it from him, mad at Obi-Wan from agreeing to keep it with him. He was just a… _puppet._

_“I should’ve known the Jedi were plotting to take over!”_

_“Anakin, Chancellor Palpatine is evil!”_

_“From my point of view, the Jedi are evil!”_

_“Then you are_ lost _.”_

“Anakin?” Obi-Wan asked him, worrying his sleeves. “Are you okay? I know you’re unhappy with the Council and I..”

“I’m _fine,_ Master.” Anakin snapped at him, then instantly scolded himself. He was snapping at everyone lately, Rex had asked him if he was okay after a long battle and he snapped at him too. Rex looked surprised and concerned, obviously knowing his General was lying, but he didn’t press on. 

Obi-Wan kept quiet until Anakin stood out of his door. “Are you sure you’re okay? You’ve been acting differently lately, for a while now.”

_“It’s over, Anakin, I have the high ground!”_

_“You underestimate my power!”_

_“Don’t try it!”_

Anakin gave him a forced smile, hoping it didn’t look too fake. “I’m fine, really. Just tired. You are too, Master. You should get some rest.”

Obi-Wan nodded, opening his door before giving him one last look. “Goodnight, Anakin. Just remember if you ever need anything-“

“You’re right there.” Anakin finished, not having to force a smile this time. “I know, Master.”

Obi-Wan nodded, before saying goodnight to Anakin once more before closing the door behind him. Anakin stared at the door, hearing Obi-Wan walk around his quarters. 

_“You will not take her from me!”_

_“Your anger and your lust for power have already done that.”_

  
  
  


-

Anakin was stranded on a planet in the middle of Wild Space that he didn’t know the name of. He crash landed on his ship, losing control. He was fighting off Separatists ships and he was the last one left. The men that had fought beside him would be remembered. The memories of their screams and _“I’m hit!”_ echoed in his mind. He barely managed to get to hyperspace, he was surprised his engine didn’t blow out. 

When he crashed he managed to not get a lot of injuries, just some minor scrapes and bruises. He had activated his travel beacon, his comm wasn’t working. He didn’t think there was any civilization, but he managed to find shelter in a cave and start a fire. His lightsaber was still clipped to his waist, and he had a few rations that he held off on eating. He drank one of the water rations he had, wanting to preserve his materials.

On missions he was being more and more reckless, impulsive and this time it had cost him. The men’s lives were on his own hands, the blood on his own hands. It was all his fault. Padmé could tell something was wrong, she would hug him and ask him, _“Honey? Ani? What’s wrong?”_ He’d fake a smile and tilt her chin up and say, _“Nothing. Just tired.”_ Before kissing her senseless to reassure her he was fine. 

Rex and the rest of the 501st don’t say anything, just looking out for him more. When he gets mad on the battlefield, taking out battle droids and hacking they slowly help him out of his headspace. Obi-Wan would give him worried looks and open his mouth to say something then close it. Ahsoka doesn’t try to ask anymore, she just says, _“Tell me if there’s anything wrong, okay?”_ He hates pushing everyone away, but it just proves he can’t stop his future. He’s going to become Darth Vader, a Sith Lord. He’s going to kill Jedi while the Clones that fought beside them help, ( _distantly he hears, “Execute Order 66” and the screams of the dying Jedi, but what is Order 66? It hurts to think about),_ hurt his pregnant wife, betray Obi-Wan,fight Ahsoka, kill innocents, destroy his daughter’s home, and make his son hate him. 

Anakin is going to do so much terrible things. He’s been trying to find evidence on Palpatine for him being a Sith Lord, but so far he’s come up empty handed. His eyes flicker up when he sees a figure and he meets the eyes of his children. Luke looks at him with a sad look, wearing the outfit he had wore on Bespin, when he cut off his hand. Leia’s wearing the white dress she had wore when she watched her home planet blow up. She looks at him angrily. Anakin draws his knees to his chest.

“How could you do this?” Leia said, gesturing around to her. Her eyes flicker to Luke’s right hand, that’s suddenly just _gone._ She holds up Luke’s forearm for emphasis, staring at the stump. While Leia looks furious, like she could rip her father’s head off and not think twice, Luke stares at him sadly. “How could you do this to _us?_ To me? To Luke? To Ahsoka? To Obi-Wan? To our mother?”

“I-I don’t know..” Anakin stutters out. 

“You’re our father!” Leia shouts angrily, letting go of Luke and stomping over to her father. She stands in front of him as he sits on his knees. “You’re a Jedi! You were suppose to help people! Not kill them! How could you…” Anakin can see his rage in Leia. He looks over to Luke who has a similar look to his face that Padmé did as he choked her. He looks away quickly, squeezing his eyes shut and blinking back tears.

“Look.. that won’t happen.” He said opening his eyes and meeting Leia’s brown eyes that glistened with rage, “I’m going to try and prevent it-“

“You can’t stop what’s already been done.” Leia whispered, she tugged Luke forward. “Look what you’re going to do to him! Your own child..”

Anakin’s eyes look at the cauterized wound that cut off Luke’s hand cleanly. He remembers the scarlet lightsaber swooshing and his son’s screams echoing around them. 

“I-I’m sorry..” Anakin whispered, hot tears running down his face. He put his face in between his knees, “I'm so sorry..”

Anakin feels his son’s arm wrap around him. He puts his head up and his furious daughter is gone, it’s his son who has a prosthetic hand wearing a black outfit. This is the Luke that will tell Anakin, “I can't leave you, I've got to save you.” 

“There’s good in you,” Luke said, sounding so much like his mother. “You can change the future, I believe in you.” He pretends he believes it, and enjoys the feeling of Luke hugging him for the first time, even if it is all in his head. 

-

“Hey, Kix?” Anakin said, walking through the ship and finding the clone. He clasped a hand on his shoulder. “Can you do me a favor?”

“What is it now? Hiding another major injury from Obi-Wan?” He teased, light in his eyes.

“No…” Anakin trailed off. It hurt him to remember Order 66, but he’s started to remember the Jedi getting shot down by clones, his lightsaber taking down Jedi as well. It pains him to remember. “I need you to do something _very_ quietly.”

Kix gave him a concerned little look, “What is it, General?”

“I need you to disable the 501st’s chips, or get rid of them completely. You just need to _stop_ them, ok? This is important, try to spread the order to the other battalions if you can, but no one can know. This stays between me, you, and any other person that will help us disable or get rid of them.” Anakin’s voice was hushed and serious.

Kix gave him a bewildered look, “General, why?-“

“Trust me.” Anakin said, giving him a small, pained, little smile. “Just keep this secret, no one can know.”

Kix slowly started to nod, confusion on his face. “O-Okay..”

Anakin walked back to his room, leaving Kix to stare at his back in confusion. He thought of clone commanders turning on their Jedi, and the thought pained him.

-

Anakin had gotten a few scrapes from their latest run-in with Separatists ships and droids but he was fine enough where Kix grudgingly let him go, but instructed him to put bacta on his wounds. Anakin was glad for it, they might’ve done a full work up on him to check his nutrition levels and they would see he was hungry, but he didn’t want to eat. He didn’t _deserve_ to eat, he was.. a monster. The sound of Vader’s respirator haunted him, he would hear it as he walked in the halls of the Temple, on the battlefield, in his dreams, in Padmé’s bed with her laying asleep by him, he would hear it everywhere. He didn’t see the need for eating anymore, he didn’t want to. The achy pain in his stomach sharpened all his senses, made it easy to focus on it as thoughts and flashes of the future haunted him. 

He sat in his quarters on the Resolute and felt for Ahsoka’s presence. She was sleeping, as she should it was late. He was down to his pants and a thin, long sleeved, baggy sleep shirt that might’ve been Obi-Wan’s at some point. He put his droid parts on the shelves, since he couldn’t sleep. He didn’t want Obi-Wan coming into his room and mumbling about how he never cleaned up after himself. 

_“You have let this dark lord twist your mind-“_

Anakin shoved the thought out of his head, grabbing a tool and walked over to put it in its proper spot. He gripped the small, sharp tool in his flesh hand.

_“Until you have become the very thing you swore to destroy.”_

He brought his flesh hand to a fist without thinking and he felt a sting of pain. It distracted him from the voices in his head. 

He stopped and let his hand lay flat, and took the small tool in his mechanical hand. The tool had just scraped his skin, not even bleeding. All it did was make his skin peel, but that one thing, that one little _cut_ (if it could even classify as that) provided him so much clarity.

He looked down at his flesh hand in wonder, picking up the small, sharp tool. He held it in his mechanical hand, and pressed his index finger against the sharp point. It barely cut the skin, you could see the redness, the blood in the wound but it didn’t pour out. It looked like a paper cut.

He put his index against it, harsher and pressed down. Blood did come down then, but it was still a small amount. Just a small little cut on the pad of his finger. He stopped and just stared at it, putting his thumb to his index finger and watching it rub together, spreading the blood to his thumb. He held up the small tool again, his eyes flickering from it to the spot on his wrist where the baggy, long sleeved shirt hung loosely enough where you could see his lightly tanned wrists. He wasn’t as tan as he was in his youth, the Tatooine suns tanned and his skin and bleached his hair. Anakin can still remember the heat of Tatoo I and II bearing down at him during long days at Wattoo’s shop. 

He slowly brought the tool to his wrist, as he held his wrist up to the ceiling the baggy shirt fell against it. Anakin watched in almost fasnistion as he brought the tool across his wrist, the line was thin and precise, the blood started to seep out of the wound. Anakin knew his Jedi robes, and his armor would cover the wound. No one has to know about it, somewhere in his brain he knew it was wrong but the voices and hallucinations finally stopped for once, and that’s all he wanted. 

-

Anakin was always on edge, his skin prickled with discomfort. Anakin stared at himself in the mirror, taking a deep breath in. He clenched his fists and looked down at his hands, the hands that had scared Padmé.. he hadn’t meant to lose control and punch Clovis.. but it just _happened._ His knuckles were bruised and had dried blood on it, he still wore his tunic, he had torn off his cloak when he got to his room. He took a sharp inhale in and looked up, meeting eyes in the mirror. He met the eyes of his mother and tried to control his shaking. 

“You always did tend to lose your temper.” She mused to herself, her arms folded. She still had those kind brown eyes, and her brown hair was tied up into a knot of some sort at the back of her head. 

“Y-You’re dead.. what are you doing here?” Anakin’s hands gripped the sink’s counter, staring at his flesh hand. The glove that he usually wore on his mechanical hand was gone, reminding him he was going to become more metal than man.

His mom gave him a sad smile, and cupped his cheek with one of her hands. Her thumb brushed over his cheekbone and he closed his eyes, savoring the touch of his mom. “My little Ani..” Her voice was soft and sweet. 

“How could you do this?” That voice wasn’t hers and his eyes snapped open and he met Padmé’s. She angrily snatched her hand away from his cheek, as if just his presence burned her. “I can see why you’re going to turn into a _Sith.”_ The word was spat out at him. 

He screwed his eyes shut and turned back to the mirror and opened his eyes. This time, both his mother, Padmé, Ahsoka, and Obi-Wan we’re behind him. Ahsoka had the same look on her face as she will when she turns her back on Anakin, walking away from him. This is the Obi-Wan that tells Anakin, “I loved you!” Anakin turns around to face them. 

“How could you, Anakin?” Obi-Wan whispered, hurt in his voice and disbelief on his face. “You’re Vader.”

“I didn’t mean to!” Anakin cried out, hoping no one would hear him. “It was an-“

“Accident?” Ahsoka finishes, “That’s what it starts out like.”

“You’re falling fast.” Padmé said in a hushed voice, “You're already becoming him..”

“I’m trying! Okay! I’m trying.. I’m trying not to become _him.”_ Anakin felt his eyes prick with tears.

“Try harder!” Obi-Wan yelled at him. 

“It’s okay, dear.” His mom told him with a small, sad smile. 

“No! It’s not fine.” Ahsoka snapped, stopping to glare at his mom and then looks back to Anakin, anger in her eyes. “You can’t become this!”

“You’re supposed to be the Chosen One!” Obi-Wan yelled, pointing a finger at him. “You’re supposed to bring balance to the Force! Not become a Sith and leave it in the darkness!”

“You’re supposed to be my husband, Anakin.” Padmé whispered, setting a hand on her stomach. Anakin whirls around and puts his hands on the edge of the white sink, looking at the mirror and seeing himself with red eyes from crying and them all just staring at him. “You’re supposed to protect me! You failed!”

“How could you do this to me?” Obi-Wan yelled at his back, “You’re becoming Vader already! What’s next? Killing younglings? Murdering the Jedi? Turning your back on everything you’ve known?”

“Are you going to fight me next?” Ahsoka said, joining in with Padmé and Obi-Wan. “You fought your own Padawan! You’re driving me away already!”

Anakin’s flesh hand meets the mirror in a fist. The mirror shatters around him, glass meeting his fist. All around him are pieces of the mirror, all smashed to bits from his anger. He ignored the glass in his fist, the blood pooling out of the wounds and turned around. He’s met with no one.

_At least they’re finally gone._

-

Anakin groaned as he heard commotion around him. He was on a campaign in the Outer Rim and was on a plane that Anakin’s hazy brain couldn’t remember. The planet had been taken over by Separatists for their fuel. The planet wanted to remain neutral in the war, but everyday more and more planets were joining sides. 

He just remembers fighting with Obi-Wan and Ahsoka at his side and pushing the droids back. He doesn’t remember getting separated from them and the 501st and 212th. He wasn’t paying attention; he was just slashing and hacking with his lightsaber, knocking down droid after droid. Everything around him was muted, it was just him and his mind. 

He kept hearing voices in his head murmuring and whispering, _“Wouldn’t it be so easy to just lay down your weapon? Or maybe deflect a blaster bolt a little too slow? No one would expect it. This could all be over and you wouldn’t have to worry about becoming him.”_

It wasn’t the first time he had heard it on the battlefield, even before Mortis he was just sick of the fighting. It’d be so easy for it to all be over with. So when the voices started he ignored them, easy as that. He didn’t hear Ahsoka screaming at him behind him that they were retreating, he just continued on. 

The battle droids he didn’t even comprehend, he saw something near him, too near him and stopped suddenly. It was Shmi, his mother. Her kind eyes looked at him, and the tired and weary look on her face that he always saw as a child was gone. He turned to face her, turning his back on the droids. The droids that were closer to him then he was to Ahsoka and Obi-Wan.

“Ani..” She murmured, giving him a small sad smile. “Why don’t you just stop? You’ve worked so hard.. aren’t you tired?”

Anakin didn’t have enough time to process it, before the Force started to scream around him and grow ridged. He turned to dodge or deflect the blast but it was too late, he felt something hit him just under where his heart was pumping. He could feel his body fling back a foot or so. 

He heard screaming behind him, and the clones, Obi-Wan, and Ahsoka advanced on the retreating droids. He heard the noise of a lightsaber swing through the droids, the noise of blasters being fired. He felt his body get propped up on someone’s legs, he blearily looked up to meet Ahsoka’s blue eyes that began to water. Even with everything feeling so hazy he could feel her fear. 

“I’m sorry,” Anakin coughed, he felt the blood start to pour down his chin. Ahsoka rubbed the blood away, but more slipped out. “I-I.. guess you aren’t leaving me this time, Snips.”

Ahsoka looked at him with confused eyes, then looked up and screamed out for a stretcher. She flickered, looking like an older Ahsoka with white sabers, then the Ahsoka that left the Order, then the Ahsoka she was in the present. She glanced back down at him with teary eyes, “Hold on, Skyguy. You’re going to be just fine, just hang in there like you always do, okay? You have to be okay.”

Obi-Wan came into view and kneeled down next to Ahsoka. His upper body was propped up on Ahsoka’s knees with her holding his head up. Anakin was trying to fight, fight the black spots that dotted his vision, fighting for his shields to stay up. 

Obi-Wan gave him a sad smile and leaned forward a bit, then turned to Ahsoka. “Come on, we have to get him up.”

Ahsoka nodded and they rearranged themselves, Obi-Wan scooped Anakin up like he weighed nothing. Obi-Wan was careful not to jostle him. Anakin suspected he did weigh nothing, he had stopped eating as much as he usually did lately. It just seemed like an inconvenience, he was too focused on ignoring the voices in his head. The pain in his stomach gave him something else to focus on, it fueled him. 

Anakin looked up to Obi-Wan who smiled at him, trying to get him presumably to Kix. He felt Ahsoka lay a hand on his arm and his head rolled to meet her eyes. His vision seemed more black than it was a few seconds ago, he tried fighting against his subconscious that so badly wanted to sleep. He hadn’t been sleeping well since Mortis. He could barely make out the dried tears on her cheek. “A-Ahsoka.. it’ll.. be.. better.. this way.” He forced the words out, ignoring the way blood seemed to pour out of his mouth when he spoke, ignored the way his chest _burned._

“Stop talking.” Obi-Wan ordered sternly, then he took a lighter tone. “Hold on, Anakin.”

“I-I’m so sorry.” He coughed out, “I’m.. I’m.. becoming him. I.. don’t want to.” 

Ahsoka and Obi-Wan shared worried looks, as Obi-Wan picked up his pace. “Stop talking. Save your strength. We’re almost there now, Anakin.”

Ahsoka’s hand tightened on his arm, and he felt his shields lowering as Ahsoka let out a sharp gasp. The need to fall asleep became too much as he gave into the black spots in his vision. 

-

Ahsoka staggered, getting hit by flashes and flashes of memories. 

_“I won’t look!”_

_You refuse to look, see what you will do, but you do, and you see_ everything, _and that changes everything. You can’t stop seeing the future, in flashes, in hallucinations,_

_“You truly are the Chosen One.”_

_The Father says in awe to you, he can’t get rid of everything you saw, but he gets rid of The Son’s corruption. You wish he had pushed harder, even if that meant tearing apart your durasteel like shields, it couldn’t be worse than all the things that you’ve seen._

_“I believe you, Ahsoka.”_

_Complete confidence in his voice. His fingers tremble slightly at the thought of loosing his Padawan._

_“I’m sorry, Master, but I’m not coming back.”_

_You’re sad and angry. You want to force her to say, force your Padawan- no your sister to stay with you. She says it’s not your fault but it still is._

_“Something wonderful has happened. Ani, I’m pregnant.”_

_Joy, uncontrollable joy._

_“Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise?”_

_Anger, doubt, confusion._

_“We do not grant you the rank of Master.”_

_The whispers behind your back. The fact that no one is trusting you. Why aren’t they trusting you? You’ve been on the front lines of a War for three years-_

_“I need him alive!”_

_They were supposed to be Jedi, why were they striking him down? You had to save your wife, your angel. The only one who trusted you._

_“From now on.. you will be known as… Darth… Vader.”_

_Some part of your mind is screaming at you to stop, but you have to save Padmé and your child. Everyone turned their back on you, anyway._

_“Have faith, my love.”_

_You want her to be safe. That’s all that’s ever mattered to you, you’d take a lightsaber to the chest for her._

_“Anakin, you’re breaking my heart.”_

_You just want to save her, be with her. Why can’t she understand that?_

_“You turned her against me!”_

_You don’t know how she ended up on the ground next to you, but she is. You can feel her still breathing._

_“I have failed you, Anakin. I have failed you.”_

_Anger at those words. Why won’t he understand?_

_“You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you.”_

_He sounds hurt, but you’re in agony. You scream out words at him, not even comprehending what you’re saying._

_“Help me, Padmé.”_

_What even are you now? More machine than man, a cyborg. You’re a Sith, now. You’ve become what you use to fight against, what have you done?_

_“It seems in your anger.. you killed her.”_

_Anger, you killed her. How could you have done this? You were supposed to love her, protect her. It’s all your fault._

_“Anakin Skywalker was weak. I destroyed him.”_

_Deep down you know that you’re still Anakin Skywalker, and standing before who was once your sister, who left you, it stings more than you’d like to admit._

_The years pass on meaninglessly. You’re in constant pain but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore, your Padawan, your sister? On the opposite side of the war. Your best friend, your brother? You betrayed him. Your wife, the one who mattered the most?_ You _killed her._

_Nothing matters until-_

_“I’m Luke Skywalker. I’m here to rescue you.”_

_You have a son! That means your Master lied to you._

_“I am your father.”_

_The boy denies it, but he knows it’s the truth. It saddens you to admit that even your own son doesn’t want you around._

_“I am a Jedi, like my father before you.”_

_You’re still reeling at the fact that you have a daughter. Your son is so strong, but so foolish._

_“I can’t leave you. I’ve got to save you.”_

_Everything seems so much more in focus than it has been in two decades. You can finally look at your son with your own eyes, he has your eyes, hair, and chin, but he is Padmé’s son. He has her stature, her nose, her determination. You know he’ll be okay without you, after all you’ve been the thing that’s been causing him pain, he has his sister. You can finally rest now-_

Ahsoka staggered as she feels Obi-Wan asked her what’s wrong. He puts his hand on her shoulder for him to steady her. Her eyes slide and she sees Anakin on a stretcher, he’s getting loaded on a shuttle with medical equipment. Kix is barking orders and treating his General. 

“I-I..” Ahsoka stuttered out, she doesn’t know what to say. She leaves Anakin? Padmé and Anakin are married?- (it really isn’t that big of a surprise, but really! They’re married and they never told her-), Obi-Wan cripples Anakin? Anakin turns? The knowledge swirls around in her head. 

_Mortis._

Anakin remembered Mortis. She always knew something was wrong but Anakin always pushed her away, snapped at her nothing was wrong, but you could tell. He would look at nothing and talk to nothing. Dark circles appeared under his eyes, he was thinner. He was on edge and angry. 

“Mortis.” She whispers, why didn’t he tell them?

Obi-Wan pulls a look of confusion, his eyebrows narrowing. “What about it?”

“Anakin remembers Mortis. H-He.. I-I.. his shields were down. I didn’t mean to.. but I just saw.. everything.” She looked from his face to the ground.How could he have kept this bottled up for so long?

“What did you see Ahsoka?” Ahsoka looked back up at his face and gave out a weak smile.

“I saw.. _he_ saw his future.”

-

Everything is hazy to Anakin. His eyes open to kind blue eyes staring down at him, and words spoken to him that he can’t make out. He can never stay awake for long, the sound of beeping in the background insistent. 

He hears parts of conversations, but never the full thing.

_“What… tell.. Council.. Padmé?”_

Padmé! He wonders if she’s okay, and if she’s safe. 

_“Don’t.. know… wait.. him.. wake… we.. ask.”_

  
  


When he woke up the next time, the room he was in was so white and bright. His eyes couldn’t really focus, but he managed to roll his head to the side to meet the worried eyes of Obi-Wan.

“I live.” Anakin croaked out. Obi-Wan reached to the table next to the bed and helped Anakin take small sips of the cold water, it felt refreshing against his dry throat. 

“I never doubted you.” Obi-Wan said, dryly, as he placed the half empty cup back on the table. “You’ve always been strong.”

Anakin’s blue eyes looked around the room, it was obviously a medical room from the medical tools and equipment. Anakin looked back to Obi-Wan and saw the concerned, worried look on his face. He was still worried, usually by the time Anakin was awake and speaking it vanished off his face and made him seem so much more youthful. “What’s wrong?”

Obi-Wan looked down at his feet before looking back up at Anakin and letting out a sigh, “Do you remember anything, Anakin?”

Anakin’s brow furrowed as he thought about it, “I was pushing the droids back.. you guys were behind me by a couple yards. I was alone and..” 

_“You’ve worked so hard… aren’t you tired?”_

His mother’s words came back to him, the truth was he was tired. He was tired of the war that seemed like it would never end, and how everyone he cared about was caught in the crossfire… but Obi-Wan couldn’t know about his mother. 

_“Only a Sith deals in absolutes.”_

Anakin’s durasteel hand clenched in a fist under the blankets, his Master _couldn’t_ know about it. 

“I got distracted.” Anakin swallowed, “That’s it.”

“Anakin..” Obi-Wan said, with a sad look on his face. “When you were weakened.. your shields weren’t as strong. Ahsoka didn’t mean to, but she saw-“

“What do you mean?” Anakin snapped, viciously. “What exactly did Ahsoka see?”

Obi-Wan continued to stare at Anakin, “Anakin, you remember Mortis.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. It left no room for argument, _he knows._ “And what The Son showed you.”

Anakin didn’t say anything, his little burst of anger had faded. He turned his head to look out the viewpoint in the med bay. They were in hyperspace, the stars were star lines. He could feel Obi-Wan staring at the side of his head, it reminded him of all the times fake Obi-Wan would stare into him, and it made Anakin feel like Obi-Wan could see every thought flickering through Anakin’s head. It put him on edge. 

“So, what?” Anakin finally said, his tone snappish. 

“What do you mean, _what?”_ Obi-Wan asked, “Ahsoka told me what she saw, The Son showed you your, _the_ future-“

“And I didn’t want anyone else to know.” Anakin said, his tone slightly angry. Then the fire inside of him died out, as he looked back to Obi-Wan’s blue eyes. “Obi-Wan, I’m going to do _terrible_ things. I-I’m a monster. You should’ve left me on the battlefield to _die._ You would’ve done everyone a favor.”

Obi-Wan frowned, “Anakin I couldn’t do that, you’re my Padawan, my brother, I love-“

_“You were my brother, Anakin! I loved you.”_

“Shut up!” Anakin snarled, “Don’t say that. Don’t you _ever_ say that to me.”

Obi-Wan looked at him with a concerned glance, “Anakin, we can help you.” His eyes looked down to the bandages on Anakin’s wrists, that covered new and old scars. He looked back up to Anakin’s eyes, “but you have to let us _in.”_

“N-No.” Anakin stuttered out, focusing on the dull pain where the blaster got him. He needed to focus on it, keep his senses sharp, they couldn’t know they couldn’t know- but Ahsoka already knew. She knew what he was going to do, to the Jedi, to her, to Obi-Wan, to Padmé, to his children, to everyone. “You don’t understand! You never have.”

“Anakin! We can help you, Ahsoka, Rex, Kix, the 501st, Padmé-“

“No you can’t!” Anakin said to him, sitting up and ignoring the pain that started to throb more. “You don’t get it! I don’t want your help, I don’t _need_ your help! I don’t need anything! I can get by just fine on my own!”

“Anakin, all we want to do is help-“

“I don’t want your help!” Anakin yelled at him, “What’s not getting through your thick skull! Leave me _alone!”_

Anakin rolled over, and ignored Obi-Wan staring at his back. He looked into the viewpoint, focusing on the star lines of space. 

_“You were supposed to destroy the Sith, not join them! Bring balance to the force! Not leave it in darkness!”_

Anakin drew in a shaky breath, and ignored the tears that started to prick his eyes. He ignored Obi-Wan’s attempts to try to coax him to talk to him, as he squeezed his eyes shut and ignored the onrush of emotions. _Pain, sadness, fear, agony._

What were they going to do with him now? He was right before. They should’ve left him with the droids to waste away on the battlefield, a slow death. It’s what a future Sith deserved. 

-

People came and went from Anakin’s room in the medbay. Rex, Obi-Wan, Kix, and Fives would come in there to talk to him, but he would stay silent. He let Kix change the bandages and bacta patches on him, he didn’t say a word as Kix changed the ones on his arms, giving him a concerned look but not saying anything.

He wondered how they were holding off the Council, what they said to them. They were in the Outer Rim and were two days away from Coruscant. He didn’t have much time, he didn’t know what to say. What was he supposed to say? 

He was sitting on the side of his bed, looking at the window that let him see space. They were parked at a port for gas. He was still in one of the medical tunics, it wasn’t very thick so he wrapped a blanket around himself. He played a game with himself to see if he could list all the ships he saw, and name the droid if they had one he could see, then he would think about all the adjustments he would make.

He missed Padmé, but he was also scared to see her. It was obvious that Obi-Wan knew about them, he had for a while, but had he told her anything? What was he supposed to say to her? He was sorry? He felt numb, all the bacta and bandages were doing their jobs. He didn’t feel the dull throbbing of the blaster anymore, nor could he feel the slight stinging sensation from the cuts on his wrists nor the slight searing pain of hunger in his stomach. He was helpless, he didn’t have anything to focus on.

_“I need to do this on my own… without the Council and without you.”_

_“All I want is your love.”_

_“Well then you are lost!”_

_“I won’t leave you, not this time.”_

_“I feel the conflict within you, let go of your hate.”_

Anakin squeezed his eyes shut, he tried to control his breathing. He heard the door open, but didn’t turn around, just tugged his blanket tighter around his shoulders. 

“Hey Anakin..” Ahsoka said, softly. She walked over to the bed, and sat next to him. She hadn’t visited him yet, and he had missed her but didn’t want to face her. She saw what he was, what he would do. “I heard you’re not talking.”

Anakin didn’t respond, keeping his lips pressed together as his eyes followed a Corellian freighter. _I can see from here the shields could use some work… It definitely needs a new paint job._

“Kix said something about using it as a protective mechanism.. and the shock of it all.” Ahsoka let out a small sigh, he felt her eyes look to the viewpoint. “Anakin… it’s _okay._ I get why you did it.. didn’t tell anyone that is. I wish you would’ve, but I get why you did it.” He could see out of the corner of his eye, she turned to look at him again. She looked understanding, sympathetic. “You.. were scared of yourself and of what other people would think… I’m not mad at you, Skyguy.” Ahsoka paused, scooting closer to him till their thighs brushed. 

“I know that you think I hate you now, but I don’t. I don’t care that in that future I walk away from the Jedi, from _you._ I don’t care that you turn in that future, I don't care that you love Padmé and she has your kids, I don’t care that you lash out at everything, I don’t care that you become Vader, and fight everyone you use to know. You know why?” Anakin felt his bottom lip quiver slightly, “Because that isn’t _this_ future. That’s just another version of the future, Anakin, and it won’t happen, because Obi-Wan, Padmé, the 501st, and I won’t let that happen. Even if we have to drag you kicking and screaming from the dark side myself.”

Anakin slowly turned his head to meet Ahsoka’s eyes, he felt himself start to tear up. “I-I’m _so_ sorry, Ahsoka.” He dropped his eyes, he couldn’t bring himself to look at her. She wrapped her arms around him, and pulled him into a side hug. He paused for a few seconds, not knowing what to do before hugging her back. 

“It’s okay to cry, Skyguy.” Ahsoka mumbled, “I’m here. I’m not going to leave you. We’re going to stop everything that’s bad in the future from coming true, alright? We can do this… if we do it _together.”_

He let himself not focus on anything else, but the words and promises tumbling from Ahsoka’s mouth, and for once he believed she wouldn’t leave him.

-

“You could’ve told me, you know.” Obi-Wan said, supervising Anakin as he put on his boots. They were finally about to dock in the Jedi Temple’s hangar on Coruscant. He was nervous, he had to face the Council. Anakin knows it would be best if they threw him out of the Jedi Order, but they couldn’t do it now, not in the middle of a war in which he knows the outcome of.

“I didn’t know how to talk to you.” Was all Anakin said, slipping on his glove. He pressed his lips together at the sight of the bandages on his wrists, he was getting better now, but he was no in hell near good. It was awkward between him and Obi-Wan, he remembers a time where he could tell him everything.

_“You have let this dark lord twist your mind-“_

Anakin inhaled sharply as he tried to ignore the feeling of Mustafar’s hot atmosphere setting him on edge. He pulled his sleeves down further, tugging them down. The 501st, Ahsoka, and Obi-Wan had taken to watching over him, to make sure he didn’t do anything.

“Anakin… you know I’m not mad at you, right?” Obi-Wan asked, he could hear the sadness in his tone. He was sad that Anakin, his brother, thought that he would hate him-

_“You were my brother, Anakin! I loved you.”_

“I don’t want to talk about this right now, Master.” His voice was cold, and Obi-Wan sighed. 

“Come on, Anakin. We’ve stalled long enough, we’re landing now.” Anakin followed Obi-Wan, their shoulders brushing as they walked to the landing ramp. Ahsoka met up with them, muttering a little hi to them. When they walked off the ramp Anakin let his eyes drop as he saw Master Windu and Master Yoda, looking at his feet. 

His eyes flickered up as they approached them, he couldn’t decipher the look in Mace’s eyes but it was probably nothing good. Mace had never liked him, never will. 

“Much to discuss, there is.” Master Yoda said, looking Anakin over.

“Yes, Master Yoda.” Anakin said evenly, he wished Padmé was here, but if they didn’t know already, and they would know after this, it would just out them. He tried to still his nerves, but it failed. 

“Come, you three.” Master Windu said, his eyes looking over the three of them. “I want to know _everything.”_

**Author's Note:**

> I ended it off there bc I was scared if I didn’t I would NEVER finish there is probably grammatical mistakes and more mistakes and I’m Sorry for That but I was really hoping I could get this out. Let me know if you want more!! this doesn’t really focus on anakins recovery so if I were to write more it’d probably me ofc the dreaded Jedi Council meeting, plotting to bring down Sidious, more getting Rid of Clone chips (which I basically kinda brushed over in this), anakins refovery, Obi-Wan And Anakin talking and Padmé and Anakin talking as well. Anyway remember y’all are loved!! Have a great morning afternoon or night! (Also sorry if the ending is rushed, anakins still kinda deflecting and not talking about it)


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